Friday Fictioneers – Forgive Me Father

3 07 2014

Hello all, hope everyone’s fit and well – and poorly toes are healing quickly πŸ™‚

In the unlikely event that you ended up here by random chance, this is a submission to the Friday Fictioneers, a rough assemblage of writing types who like to exercise their grey matter by writing a one hundred word story inspired by a photo prompt on a weekly basis. If you’d like to know more, go see Rochelle.

Thank you Claire for such a wonderful photo this week.

(c) Claire Fuller

Forgive Me Father

The graveyard crows cawed forlornly as the pale young man stared up at his father’s statue.

“Forgive me,” he sighed. “But I do not have your strength. There are armies on our borders, and the only option is to yield. The council don’t agree, but the decision is mine alone. I’m sorry.”

Wind ruffled his hair as he dropped his eyes, ashamed by his confession.

With a crack that sent the crows wheeling, the statue split and crumbled. The pointed crown rolling down the rubble to finish up at the young man’s feet. Broken . . . like his kingdom.

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11 responses

3 07 2014
Sandra

Very dramatic, very powerful.

3 07 2014
FabricatingFiction

Aww sad. Well written.

3 07 2014
aliciajamtaas

I could really feel the young man’s distress.

3 07 2014
storydivamg

A dramatic story to accompany and dramatic photo. I like the wordplay on the traditional Catholic confession.

By way of feedback, take a quick look at your verbs here. It should be “council doesn’t.” Also in the final paragraph, “Rolled” in place of “rolling” would give you a complete sentence instead of a fragment.

Great, creative take on the prompt.

All my best,
Marie Gail

4 07 2014
writeondude

Thank you, Marie. This is exactly the sort of feedback that I need to help me improve. I think that generally people are a little scared to offer advice in case it offends, but I’m always open to a little help. πŸ™‚

4 07 2014
storydivamg

My pleasure. It is a little tricky on blogs because sometimes people really don’t want feedback. I’m more comfortable with the FF lot because Rochelle specifically mentions that those not wanting critique need to make mention on their own blog. I’ve been working with critique forums online for more than a decade. You might enjoy this article I wrote about participating in online critique: http://mariegail.hubpages.com/hub/Online-Critique-Forums-A-Users-Guide.

All my best,
Marie Gail

4 07 2014
JustDeb

Saw what Marie saw but now that it is said…
Love the story, love the ending!

4 07 2014
freyathewriter

Yes, a great story!

6 07 2014
patriciaruthsusan

Well-written story. Very sad, but that’s life. The symbolism was powerful. Well done. πŸ™‚ —Susan

7 07 2014
Nan Falkner

Great story – I feel sorry for the young king. He doesn’t want war and the father know this now. Powerful story! Nan πŸ™‚

10 07 2014
camgal

Wow. So many emotions but grief for the win…not sure he should still make that decision. Well done

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